Thoughts of a cynical idealist

Moving day

2008-01-26T18:40:00.000Z

Well folks, I have moved! Hehe. I am AS excited as if I had really moved home. Oh dear. Anyway. Go, leave this site - GO to the all new sparkly blog of hoveactually.

Da da.

The all new Hoveactually site

Adjust your bookmarks and links accordingly.

2008-01-22T15:10:00.000Z

Well, you know, just in case you were wondering...

Christmas Charlie Brown style

2007-12-23T23:40:00.001Z

Just in case you lose the plot over the next few days of madness. Here's Linus to remind you.

Procrastination.

2007-12-23T23:18:00.000Z

So, I'm back from an epic tour of the East of the country. I'm stopping over in Hove before heading to the land of warmth and hugs at the parents house tomorrow. This evening I was supposed to work through my long list of things to do before going home. Useful things such as packing, wrapping presents, generally tying up loose ends and remembering to take things such as airplane tickets.

Instead of sensible things, this evening I have watched Top Gear, drunk mulled wine and made finger puppets. Instead of going to bed at a sensible hour I'm blogging and on Msn. Sigh, ah well, tomorrow is another day and maybe I'll manage to do all those things in 2 hours. Maybe.

Joy.

2007-12-20T11:12:00.000Z

Last night I fulfilled a 15 year old dream of mine. I saw Bruce Springsteen live. Ever since I first jumped around my bedroom to Born to Run, and read everything I could about him from books out of the local library, I've wanted to see him live. Mainly because that's what he does best. Last night the long wait was over and it was entirely worth it. I have no idea how to write this in a coherent way that isn't just babbling over and over again "He was amazing...".
So, in no particular order here are my highlights and favorite moments:

Getting to go with Melinda, a fellow fan and someone who genuinely gets Bruce, who isn't being polite because I love him. Who was just as excited as me and just as thrilled on the tube on the way home.

The first song, not being able to stop smiling like a wide mouthed grinning idiot because that speck on the stage was actually Bruce Springsteen.

The way the whole set was put together thoughtfully. He told a story throughout the songs of the evening. He took us across America, from being lost in the back of beyond, to the pain of being let down by dreams that don't last, to cynicism and then to redemption, hope and the joy of being alive.

The gruff growl counting the band in, one, two, a one, two, three, FOUR. Cue explosion of sound on the 'four'.

Music that reaches inside your soul, twists and turns and makes you want to explode with joy and inexpressible emotions.

Singing Promised Land and knowing the difference in singing now to singing as a messed up 14 year old. These lyrics had so much meaning for me back then and now serve as a reminder of how far things have come.

"I've done my best to live the right way
I get up every morning and go to work each day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
Explode and tear this town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody itching for something to start

There's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted"

Likewise the moment in Badlands, delighting in the lyric; "It ain't no sin to be glad that you're alive."

The exquisitely dark harmonica playing on Reason to Believe, normally a song of hope, it turned down a road with black clouds on the horizon and cynically wondered how anyone can find a reason to believe in this world.

The despair finding it's death in the hope of redemption. Redemption coming through love, an open road and the prospect of a Sunny Day. Hope bleeding out all over the place.

The encore. The eruption of joy at Born to Run into Dancing in the dark. Every person on their feet singing loud.

The other fans. Everyone there loved this man and his songs, everyone joined in, even on the new stuff. The older man next to me who battled with his English reserve all night and then let himself go in the encore.

2 and a half hours of relentless, stirring, delightful, empowering, hopeful, delicious rock and roll.

This song sums it all up, not a classic Springsteen but more of a tribute to the genius of music. Happy sigh.

"Day after day I'm more confused
Then I look for the light through the pourin' rain
You know, that's a game, that I hate to lose
I'm feelin' the strain, ain't it a shame

[CHORUS:]
Give me the beat boys and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away
Give me the beat boys and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away

Beginin' to think, that I'm wastin' time
And I don't understand the things I do
The world outside looks so unkind
And I'm countin' on you, you can carry me through

And when my mind is free
You know your melody can move me
And when I'm feelin' blue
The guitars come through to soothe me

Thanks for the joy you've given me
I want you to know that I believe in your song
And rhythm, and rhyme, and harmony
You helped me along, you're makin' me strong

Give me the beat boys and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away
Give me the beat boys and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away"

My newly acquired Godson

2007-12-17T19:12:00.000Z

Here he is: James Howarth. He lives in Canada with his Mum and Dad most of the time but came over for his Baptism yesterday. He is cute and smiley and laughs a lot. I like him.

2007-12-16T12:15:00.000Z

Read this. It's not about Christmas, but in a roundabout way probably is. It's certainly what Real being a Christian is all about.

Christmas thoughts.

2007-12-16T11:52:00.000Z

Sometimes we need things put in a different way, we need things phrased differently. Recently I got some people to read out John 1 in three different versions of the Bible. Hearing the familiar words expanded, rearranged and explained helped get the meaning across loud and clear. Here are some examples:

From the Amplified Bible:
"All things were made and came into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being. In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men. And the Light shines on in the darkness, for the darkness has never overpowered it [put it out or absorbed it or appropriated it, and is unreceptive to it]."

"And the Word (Christ) became flesh (human, incarnate) and tabernacled (fixed His tent of flesh, lived awhile) among us; and we [actually] saw His glory (His honor, His majesty), such glory as an only begotten son receives from his father, full of grace (favor, loving-kindness) and truth."

From the Message:
"The Word became flesh and blood,and moved into the neighborhood We saw the glory with our own eyes, the one-of-a-kind glory, like Father, like Son, Generous inside and out, true from start to finish."

From the Word on the Street:
"Bizarre! No-one recognises him! He speaks them into existence, but they don't recognise him or his voice."

"So God's voice gets flesh and blood, skin and bone. He spends time with us; we hang around with him, get to know him and see what he's like. And? As magnificent, as superb as you'd expect God's only son to be."

The point? God has come into this world as one of us. We can know him. He has revealed himself to us. We are not left in the dark. Yes, there are a million things I do not understand about God. But I can know Him. Christmas reminds me of who he is and how I can. That makes all the difference in facing whatever good or bad confronts me. Well, sometimes it does. Sometimes I want to scream and rage and cry. And I can. Because he came. I can't escape the reality of being held by the Maker of the world. Right now I don't really want to.

Christmas Day

2007-12-16T11:42:00.000Z

Yesterday was Christmas day in our house, a long standing tradition where we invite many people who live near us to participate in good food and lots of fun. Yesterday was no exception. We ate much food, walked on the beach, took a multitude of photos, ate mince pies with brandy butter, drank mulled wine, took a Christmas Quiz, gave presents, got presents, laughed and rounded off the evening singing Christmas songs and listening to pretty music at Kate Rusby's gig in Brighton. All in all a highly satisfactory Christmas day.

Christmas in the workhouse?

2007-12-12T12:26:00.000Z

The downside of Christmas is the spending of money on presents. Which isn't too much of a downside because you get to see peoples faces lit up with excitement at what you've bought them. It does however mean money is on the elusive side right now. Also time is sparse, what with all the Christmas events to go to. This combination is interesting when it comes to finding food. Last night my housemate, Lizzi, and I decided to cook together. This would have been a good plan. However.
Contents of our fridge: Some saver cheese. Margarine. A few spindly bits of Rocket left in a packet. Lots of cherry tomatoes.
Contents of our Freezer: A fish finger. Some random meat in packets. Pitta bread. Chicken Nuggets.
A selection guaranteed to tax the most creative of chefs.

We ended up with chicken nuggets in pitta bread with ketchup and the last bits of rocket for garnish. Which was surprisingly good. Tomorrow I'm highly looking forward to Team Days with good food and the best Christmas dinner ever, that's got to last me until the weekend.

(A small disclaimer...money situations may have been exaggurated for comedy effect. I have a roof over my head, the possiblity of going to the shops and getting some more food, and many other cheering things in my life. This is in no way grumbling and complaining. Yes I have just read Philippians 2 with a student. Yes I am pants at applying this to my life.)

Christmas

2007-12-03T21:36:00.000Z

From now on, until the 26th of December this shall be my Christmas blog. It will be shiny, with baubles, swimming in mulled wine, sinking in mince pies and delighting in everything to do with Christmas. I unapologetically love December.

It's not so much the Christmas thing, lets face it, the actual day is always a slight let down, especially when I'm feeling slightly Bridget Jonesish about the whole thing this year. But let that not detract from the jubilation before the day itself. In fact, I might just forget the day and concentrate on the 21 days of celebration in the run up to the day. So lets ignore Christmas day itself (no Mum, I still want presents...) and embrace the 21 days left. It's not so much a build up to something but more an enjoyment of each day as it comes, living in the moment kind of thing.

Today my Christmas enjoyment came from going to my last Sussex CU carol service. This was by far and away the best one, and not just because they had Adrian Plass to speak. My head isn't in the best of states right now, but I think Advent, Christmas, the whole Jesus coming to earth thing is the stuff that can clear away the fog. There's a reason for that. This whole December/Christmas thing is about the God of the universe coming to be with us. To be with us. Immanuel. There isn't any other word that can send shivers up my spine like that one. God with us. Demonstrating his pure unconditional love. Coming to his enemies. Coming to the hurt, the broken, the lost, the blind, the lame. The shepherd seeking out his sheep. The light in the darkness. The images are overwhelming. The reality matters. God has come for you and me. That's worth throwing back your head and singing loudly:
"Pleased as man with man to dwell, Jesus, our Immanuel."
"Oh come to us, abide with us, Our Lord Immanuel"

Diary round up.

2007-11-25T17:37:00.000Z

So, it's been a while. Things that have taken my fingers away from this keyboard include getting on with enjoying my job, helping friends move house, watching many episodes of House, going on my last CU weekend aways and the usual eating sleeping and wondering that make up this life.

The latest thing to be exploding my brain is this series of lectures by the wonderful Andrew Fellows from L'abri.
Go here if you dare:
Narcissism - The Worldview of Self Part 1
Narcissism - The Worldview of Self Part 2
Narcissism - The Worldview of Self Part 3
Narcissism - The Worldview of Self Part 4

I add the warning because these are fairly depressing lectures to listen to. They rip away the charade of much of our lives and expose the darkness of our hearts which are lost in the obsession with self, ghosts searching for something that is real. That's why we love anything physical, why we are so addicted to things, why we love consuming and a whole host of other things that make up our lives. We are on the search for some reality, and we think that comes from anything we can experience ourselves. Reality has become all about what I can touch, taste, feel and sense, dependent on the self to experience it. We've lost the sense of other. We are trapped in our endless spirals of self analysis and I haven't listened to the last lecture yet to see if there is any hope to this situation. And if none of that made any sense, grab a coffee and listen to the lectures. These things matter.

House is our latest TV addiction. I'd love to wiffle away for hours about how brilliantly dark the character of House is. But really. The time is short. So many questions about ethics, what we mean, whether everybody really does lie, why we do the things we do and much more. Watch and think.

Subversion is my word of the week. Watching students this week being encouraged to be subversive made me grin. We have to be asking the questions to all around us. Who are we? Where do we come from? Why does music make us feel good? What is life really all about? What makes up identity? Why does the sunset make me want to cry? Where are we going? Does it matter? What is love? Why do we love? Is there really unconditional love? What do we wish for? Will it happen? So much to think about.

1 Peter also makes me think. Apparently we are aliens and strangers here. Called out. To be different. To reflect our Maker. To be truly subversive in the way we live our lives. In the way we love, show compassion and display true beauty. Spine tingling calls to be truly different and radical in this messed up world.

As ever I attempt to jump the wide divide between all I think and all I do in my walking around doing things with people life. That's the biggest conundrum. Do we walk the path of our beliefs and ideas, or do we settle for the path of least resistance? One day we won't even have to try. That's a pretty good thought.

Helping people in the dark.

2007-11-05T21:35:00.000Z

So, I wrote a whole long essay on helping people in dark times. This is a little of it. It's thoughts on helping people through the sticky times when life seems too bleak to believe in any kind of God. Or when your head is so messed up that truth, rational thought and sanity go out the window. The dark times affect your ability to believe anything, whether it is the love of a friend or the reality of God, there is no rationality in these times. This is different from hardened unbelief, from rebellion and rejection of God, this is the blanket of fog that covers everything in life with gloom. I experience mild forms of these times and we need to get better at talking about them, and at helping people through them. Having people who will believe the truth for you, and not just tell you to do something you think you can't are very important in such times.

"There is the world of difference in telling someone to believe the truth and speaking truth into their lives. They don’t have to believe it, because if it’s true it’s not dependent on their belief in it. Brilliant. Tell them that. Tell them you’ll believe it for them when they can’t. That’s community. That’s the body of Christ in action. Stop telling them to believe. That's just what they feel they can't do. Their failure to see the truth leads to them feeling condemned and guilty for rejecting such beauty. But tell them the truth and tell them that you’ll believe it for them today. That lets a sliver of light into the darkness. That lets truth in the back door. Somedays I can’t believe and so I go to church and let others believe for me. This is the deepest kind of grace. The body in action. Family together. Something that is true and not dependent on my getting it or believing it today.

Remind them that they are safe in Jesus. Their faith does not depend on them but on the One who holds them and will not let go. This is the bottom deep reality of grace. This is grace for the times my head is so messed up that I can’t believe anything. This is grace that holds and does not let go because I am his child and he will not leave. This is the deepest grace I can think of.
“Your foundations in life may be gone, everything you built on may be crashing down and you yourself going down into the abyss. But, no; underneath - and they are always there - underneath are the everlasting arms. They are always holding you; you will never finally crash; you will be held when everything else is gone” - Martyn Lloyd Jones
And the brilliant thing is: that is true even when you don’t believe it."

Peace.

2007-11-04T16:42:00.000Z

"How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word;
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

Fear not, He is with thee, O be not dismayed;
For He is thy God and will still give thee aid:
He’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by his righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters He calls thee to go,
The rivers of grief shall not thee overflow;
For he will be with thee, thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee, thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
His grace all sufficient shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee, His only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose
He will not, he will not, desert to its foes:
That soul, though all hell should endeavour to shake,
He’ll never, no never, no never forsake."

This says it all. This is all we have. And that's a flipping lot. We will never be let go. That's one stubborn love.

Lessons in translation.

2007-10-30T21:58:00.000Z

When you've known someone for a while you get used to their idiosyncratic ways. You learn to interpret what they mean as distinguished from what they say. Thus in ending a chat with my Brother or Dad on the phone, I'll say, "I love you", because I'm a girl and can say these kind of things. They'll usually reply, "Yes". What they really mean by that "yes", is, "I love you too but am a little too embarrassed to say it to your face but really I do love you and have enjoyed talking to you as well". (well that's my hope). My favorite chats are those I have with my Mum when I'm upset. For example, today I was pouring my heart out to her, crying snot down the telephone, bewailing many things. Her response was to make the usual sympathetic noises which are required at such times, after a while though she declared in the most random way ever. "I bought a new swimming hat today".

By which she actually meant: "Katherine (she can get away with using my full name), I love you and care deeply about you, but I can't do anything about your problem, I've made the right noises and don't really know what else I can do or say, so I'll tell you about something that happened to me today in the hope you'll be distracted and smile." (at least I hope that is the case...) Her other favorite random changes of subject are to tell me about a bird in the garden. A conversation might go like this: Kath: Mum, I'm going to die alone and sad. Mum: Oh, there's a starling playing in the pond. She'll probably kill me for saying this, but it might make her leave a comment :-)

You should all know that she is the best Mum ever and still gives me cuddles and lets me cry all over her nice jumpers.

Shhh.

2007-10-27T21:33:00.000+01:00

They are back. I'd wondered what happened to them...Yey for the mighty Wispa.

Again.

2007-10-27T21:17:00.000+01:00

So, some lovely people across the pond (or Irish Sea) have stumbled across the genius movement of 365. I'm kind of jealous in a way. I want to start again. They have all the newness, will face all the dilemmas of what to do on really really crap days, will want to give up, will forget about it, will come back to it again and will enjoy reading about a year in their lives once it's all over.

Check it out.
365: living details in a work of art
Soapbox365

And these Irish people seem to still be blogging, which is refreshing. Good to know facebook hasn't completely won people from blogging.

Autumn

2007-10-06T22:25:00.001+01:00

"When I'm in heaven
Tell me there'll be seasons when the colours fly,
Poppies splashing flame
Through dying yellow, living green
And autumn's burning sadness that has always made me cry
For things that have to end.
For winter fires that blaze like captive suns
But look so cold when the morning comes.
I love the way the seasons change." (A.Plass)

We went to a pretty national trust place today to enjoy the burning sadness of autumn's colours. Trees on fire, pottering walks and the urban singleton family making Saturday alive.

October

2007-10-01T12:51:00.001+01:00

This seemed kind of appropriate for today. And pretty. (if you ignore the sweaty Bono)

Quack.

2007-10-01T12:41:00.000+01:00

Who says that freshers freebies are rubbish? Mr Duck (or Fwar if you get to know him) came from Brighton's freshers fair.

Saturday

2007-09-29T23:12:00.000+01:00

Things to do on a Saturday.

1. Lie in bed encased by a big duvet and smile at the weekend.
2. Go for a big fat bike ride on the downs, get covered in mud.
3. Listen to Jonathan Ross all morning whilst sorting, cleaning and generally sitting.
4. Eat amazing food.
5. Talk to nice friends on the phone who make you laugh.
6. Listen to random acid folk music. (what on earth is acid folk?)
7. Read the paper.
8. Watch an episode of the West Wing and smile.
9. Write some letters.
10. Watch the X factor. Laugh at the bad bad singers.
11. Watch a film with friends, whilst eating Lindt chocolate and drinking red wine. Let the film be one you can recite backwards. ("I want the Truth", "TRUTH, you can't handle the TRUTH." Jack Nicholson at his best.)
12. Crawl back under the duvet safe in the knowledge that tomorrow is another day off.

The understatement.

2007-09-28T21:34:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking about this for a while, but the understatement is a pretty cool rhetorical device. Now I'm not talking about annoying English politeness which refuses to get passionate about anything, that kind of understatement we can probably do without. Understatement at it's slightly average is great to highlight the brilliance of the thing that it is understating. Understatement helps when we think about God. God is pretty hard to get your head around, getting that the Creator of the Universe delights in us, loves us with an everlasting love, is glorious in majesty etc etc is difficult. He's a little too big for us (notice my cunning use of understatement in that very sentence). Our brains can't cope so well and God seems highly distant (and yes sometimes it is good to realise again the majesty of God and remember that his is big...put your stick away).

Most of the time we just need to remember that God is nice and he likes us. (blame Adrian Plass for the phrase). That of course is a ridiculous understatement. He's a God who has showered all the love in the world on us. But it's hard to see how that could be personal, the understatement helps us cope with such love, and realise that it is indeed directed towards us. I'd like to amend that statement to 'God is kind and he likes us', due to the word nice being such an insipid word. But the sentiment remains. Fundamentally we need to believe and grasp the goodness and love of God towards us silly humans, and if it takes a dramatic understatement like 'God is nice and he likes me' to do that then I'm all for it.

Another use of the understatement I recently partook in was to say, "God is sovereign - that's handy." Of course it's SO much more than handy that God is sovereign, but that's the point. The understatement highlights the ridiculousness of what is said, it makes us laugh because it points to the genius of God without dressing it up in unaccessible high flowery language. Thus we retain a sense of humour, our sanity and we begin to grasp how incredible it is that this Massive God we deal with on a day to day basis is working in and cares about the small details of our lives.

2007-09-28T21:24:00.000+01:00

"She said, 'we've gotta keep walking, keep walking.'
She said, 'we've gotta keep walking on.'

We lost the highway
With smoke in our eyes.
With these hands and this place,
We will spread our own design.
Spread our own design.

She said, 'we've gotta keep walking, keep walking.'
She said, 'we've gotta keep walking on.'"
(Willy Mason- Gotta keep walking)

Is your God a magic genie?

2007-09-26T18:23:00.000+01:00

So, in the aftermath of emotional whirlwinds I've been doing some more pondering. Pondering on what we expect from this life. The problem with this walking with God thing is that God isn't a magic genie who will grant my every wish. That just doesn't seem to be how He works at all. He seems to be a God who is more interested in who we are than what we do or achieve. A God who is concerned that we remember who He is, and then live in the light of that. A God who wants us to know that He really is in control, even when we have no idea how that is working out.

We aren't promised an easy life, a life how we want it, a God who will sort the universe out so we can be happy. The call for us, is always: will we follow God even when life is not working out how we want it to? Will my life be about seeking after friendships and relationship that will make me feel secure and reassured that I'm ok? Will my life be about scowling when things are not going the way I want? Or can I turn and trust in a God who knows me, made me, has good things for me, will work for good in every situation I am in? Will I trust in the one who has promised to bring me home, who calls me to love the people around me, to make the most of my days, to remember that He is God and there is no other? The answer is I don't know. I want to trust. I want to trust when it seems like the hardest thing to do. I want to know his work on my hard cold heart. I want to accept the days of darkness whilst holding tight to the One who will bring the light. I want to obey through it all.

Once again Mr Lewis has summed things up better than I could.
“Our cause is never in more danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending to do our enemy’s will looks around at the universe from which every trace of him has vanished and asks why he has been forsaken and yet still obeys…”
C.S.Lewis- Screwtape Letters

I have to ask myself, am I in this life thinking that God will sort everything out nicely for me? Or am I in it because I am his child, because he is the Way, Truth and Life? The crunch in those questions comes when I am not getting what I want. I can throw a tantrum or trust that my Dad knows best. I'm off to watch the sunset on the beach to work that out.

The Wedding.

2007-09-23T18:39:00.000+01:00

About a year and a half ago I wrote a post on my brother Mark. Here is the said post. It (and some good work by the boy) helped to produce this yesterday:

"This is the best day of my life so far. This is the best day of our life so far. But it is not the most important day. There is another wedding feast that is more important in both our lives. A wedding feast being prepared not by friends and family but by our Creator."
Mark Arnold 22/9/07

It's a weird old experience watching your brother and friend getting married. There are so many emotions to process. And right now I feel like that moment in Harry Potter when Hermione explains the many many emotions going on in a girls brain to Ron, he exclaims in surprise, "surely she can't be thinking that many things all at the same time, she'd explode". I think I might. Mostly it was a brilliant day of celebration, gladness, happy tears and joy. It's amazing to see two people brought together and who compliment each other really well. I am proud of him and very glad good things are happening to both of them.

The sad moments were eased with the presence of very good friends who get the complexity of emotions going on on such a day. I was glad to share it with them, and glad to be supported by them. I was also very grateful for Mark's speech, which was a great reminder of the wedding feast we can all enjoy one day with our Maker. Whatever happens, of good or bad, storms or calm, peace or chaos there is the sure and certain hope of life beyond these years on earth.

My call is to carry on being generous with all my heart and to trust in the One who knows what He is doing with our lives. Right now that seems distant and vague. One day it will be as clear as a crisp autumn day with the sun shining in all it's splendor. The Bridegroom is coming, the feast is set, hope is real and a big fat steak is waiting.

"On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine— the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations;he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say,"Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:6-11

Out of your comfort zone?

2007-09-10T16:05:00.000+01:00

I've been pondering the mysteries of guidance again recently. Soon I shall have to face the thought of deciding what to do with the next few years of my life. (suggestions on a postcard please) One of the least helpful things Christians say to each other when thinking about the future (apart from the endless door analogies) is 'get out of your comfort zone'. On the face of it, that sounds like good advice, leaving one with the daring notion of not settling for second best, getting out there (wherever there is) and other exciting feelings. Whatever I decide to do next, above all I must get out of my comfort zone.

But there's a problem, once more, with the language. I don't really think there is a happy jolly path we could skip down in life, a path with birds singing, sofas at convenient intervals and a big neon sign proclaiming 'comfort this way'. There isn't a choice between the way of comfort and the way of hardship. There isn't a series of choices that will earn me more brownie points in heaven, or a series of choices that will make our Maker just about let me in with the other lameoes who settled for life on a sofa. The reality is, every path we take, every job we go for, every place we call home will involved hardship and suffering, just as much as it will involve joy, laughter and peace. There is no escape, there is no location or vocation that is the comfort zone.

The comfort zone is found in my attitudes, my values, the way I respond to life around me. I can choose the way of comfort or not everyday, whatever the shape of the things I do in this life. I am called each day to put me aside and live a life of love, of self giving, of selflessness in each and every situation in front of me. I'm called to live out the reality of who I have been made to be in response to the circumstances around me. That will bring joy, sorrow, suffering, tears, rejoicing, laughter, pain and ecstasy. If I deny who I am, live for me and my short term smiles then I should be challenged out of my comfort zone. I am called, wherever I may be, to live as I truly am, to obey the call to love and be generous. These things are not dependant on where I am or what I do in this life.

The term 'get out of your comfort zone' seems to be employed by people who are looking for more levels in this Christian life, to see people out on the mission field in Azerbaijan as more sorted/holy/really-doing-the-lords-work than those working for a bank in England. The reality is both those things can be done to be self serving or in deep love for those around. The only comfort zone to get out of is the thought and attitude that says I am the centre of the universe and I get to define the terms of this life.

God is about real living in the ordinary everyday things of this world. We need to stop looking down on people we think have sold out to comfort, or elevating people who we think are really out of their comfort zone. Grace says we all can and do face the choice each day to live our Lords way whatever we do. That's a whole lot more challenging, that means I have a choice to decide how to live today, not just when this job ends. That sets me free to know there is no right path of God's destiny for me that I might miss. He calls me to use my human responsibility to see what my desires and passions are. I am then do something but with His call to love at the centre, not my selfish desire for me to be glorified at every opportunity.

Er

2007-08-30T22:34:00.001+01:00

If I had a 365 any more this would be mine for today (along with the Bruce Springsteen news, and the phone call with an old friend, and the surprising news, and the news that my seminar might not be so bad after all, and the drumming...) But. My old housemate wrote this in an e-mail: "I'm feeling much better now but how I should love to shit in the sofa sharing a cup of tea with you and catch up... but that'll wait."
Spelling mistakes have never been so funny...

Smiling

2007-08-30T21:06:00.001+01:00

I have been grinning all day long. What, you may ask (or you may have fainted with shock at another happy post on this fair blog), is the cause of my joy? Well. It is the one thing that causes me great joy and very few others any joy at all. This morning I became the proud owner of some Bruce Springsteen tickets. One of you is very excited right now, the rest have fallen comatose, lost interest, are still fainting on the floor or wondering just how long and turgid this sentence can get. Ahem.

Anyway, back to the point, I am, you see, an unashamed fan of The Boss. See I can even write sentences like that without blushing. I've wanted to see him live for about 15 years now and at last my dream is realised. Now all I need to do is to see U2 and Queen live and I'll have fulfilled my teenage ambitions (but unless someone builds a time machine I may remain frustrated for the rest of my life. Ah well). I have failed to make anyone appreciate the genius of Bruce, most people can't see beyond the Born in the USA days. Most people fail to be moved by his deeply emotive voice which can bring shivers to the spine. Most people are, well, wrong. I refuse to try any more. I'm just looking forward to seeing a tiny speck running around stage drawing me into the magic of the stories he tells, stirring my soul to hope, making me long for redemption and a car to drive across the badlands of America in.

Phew.

2007-08-25T22:30:00.000+01:00

I was beginning to doubt it's existence. But no more, I am very happy to see this symbol for the next few days. Contented sighs all round, and the promise that maybe we'll have a week of summer after all, and a reason to put on some chilled out summer tunes. Mm.

In other news.

2007-08-18T21:53:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary. Today we have a new arrival in Fallowfield Crescent, (no we haven't caved, the cat has not moved in). Bodil arrived tonight and continues the fine tradition of Danish people training to be Midwives living with us. We like this and are happy to have a complete house again. Talking of which I'm enjoying being back in Hove Actually for at least 2 weeks in a row and liking the rather strange autumn cosy feeling tonight's wind and rain are providing. We are breaking Bodil into British culture with a diet of bad Saturday evening TV. Maybe that isn't such a great idea, she may leave soon.

EDIT: At church this morning a nice lady met Bodil and upon realising that she lived with us said, "So you're joining the madness, did anyone warn you about them?". I'm hurt. Well actually I'm a little pleased in my indignation. Our reputation is spreading...

Blind Light.

2007-08-18T21:33:00.000+01:00

I went to see the Antony Gormley exhibition at the Hayward Gallery this week. I'd encourage you all to go but it ends tomorrow. I have the urge to write overlong pompous sentences about his genius, but I'll try not to. I think the reason I love his work so much is that it's so interactive, you enter into the works, you experience them and through that see the world in different ways. He does amazing things with space, or the absence of presence. Blind light is a genius piece, a cloud in a box. Wandering through a space where light does not illuminate is fascinating. Light is all around and yet you can't see more than a foot in front of you. I felt like I was outside, possibly on top of a mountain, or anywhere but a perspex box in London. Which apparently was one of the points of it.

Mr Gormley himself says:
'Architecture is supposed to be the location of security and
certainty about where you are. It is supposed to protect you
from the weather, from darkness, from uncertainty. Blind Light
undermines all of that. You enter his interior space that is the
equivalent of being on top of a mountain or at the bottom of
the sea. It is very important for me that inside it you find the
outside. Also you become the immersed figure in an endless
ground, literally the subject of the work.’

I love being shown more of what it is to be human, more of our creativity, more of attempts to add to our understanding of the space we live in. And being in a cloud for five minutes was kind of cool too.

Rambles around the British Isles.

2007-08-18T21:09:00.000+01:00

Bill Bryson put Durham on the map a few years ago by urging us all to visit and to borrow his car to get there. I fully agree with him and am offering mine for all such journeys. Last week I headed up for a full on nostalgia tour with my old room mate from the first year. Miss Towers was as ever delightful company and we had much fun revisiting our old college, eating all our favourite food in our favourite places and wandering around gazing at all the pretty views once more.

We went to Grey College during our time in the fair city. Grey made the somewhat grandiose claim to boast that one of the views from the college grounds was "arguably the finest in Europe". Thinking about it, that's a pretty bold claim, to beat the Alps, the Pyrenees, Vienna, Venice, Prague and countless other pretty places is some statement. Especially when this is the view.

Arguably it's the finest view in Durham, although the views from the top of the Cathedral might have something to say about that... So I think the revised blurb should boast; "arguably the finest view from Grey College, or Durham or maybe Europe if you have a particularly fine lawyer." Ok, so it's less snappy but slightly more accurate.

I loved my time in Durham, I loved going back and feeling that sense of belonging when a place creeps into your soul. Going back to these places in life always leaves you feeling more of a complete person, almost as if you leave a part of yourself when you go. I felt complete and at peace there, and if that's a little cheesy then I don't care. See how happy being back makes me. This is me outside Holgate house, home to me for 2 years.

Life moves along.

2007-08-07T21:40:00.000+01:00

Which is another way of saying that I'm sitting in front of my computer, home alone this week again as my housemate completes the fourth camp of the summer (really I should give her an award when she gets home) wanting to burble stuff onto a screen. The last couple of days have been full of preparation for the wedding of the century. I now have bridesmaid shoes, Roz has lovely hair worked out for the day and today we found three small girls some pretty dresses for their trip up the aisle as flower girls. All in all a successful couple of days. Good to do family things, good to help out and very wonderful to see the extension of our family. However weird change gets at times, the overwhelming thought at the moment is that such change is a Good Thing.

Life is just happening at the moment, and I'm attempting to go with it, attempting to ride the waves and find the constant melody playing through the ups, downs, roundabouts and junctions. U2 wrote this down better than I. The days change, they are good, bad, indifferent, ecstatic, joyful, mundane, beautiful, hazy, tired and more. This I live with. These things happen. Some days are better than others, and the lesson of the summer is: that is OK. Some days I wake up and believe, some days I find it the hardest thing in the world. None of these days are the things to look to for reassurance or fear. Something deeper holds me, and in that hold life can rumble along, the bad days and the good days come and go. They aren't my barometer of reality. That only comes in the shape of a wooden cross.

"Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others

Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others

Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others

Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in

Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others

Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy

Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others

Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others

Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others"

Conversations.

2007-08-04T21:56:00.000+01:00

The thing I love most in this world are good conversations, conversations that sweep into the depths of what it means to be human, that glory in the wonder of this life, that analyse and draw interesting conclusions. These always leave me buzzing, wanting more, knowing that the world is really a lot bigger than we think. These are the conversations that explore the amazing world between question and answer, that search for new possiblities. Within these interactions other answers are tested out, tentative theories are offered and, although the end product may well be the same answer, you come away much more aware of how little you know, how big this world is and how incredibly we have been made as humans.

Laura and Alasdair are two of my favourite people to have such conversations with, because they don't come to the same conclusions as me, their answer to the questions is different, and so we can talk within that, explore the world between the question and answer and gain insight from each others perspective. We still all come away with that humbled awe at the limits to our knowledge, the wonder of being human and the constant questioning of what it means to be alive.

A small announcement.

2007-08-01T14:25:00.000+01:00

I think the time has come to share this news with the 2 people and cat who read this blog. Yes, there is news of epic proportions in the air. For a while now I have been battling with the thorny issue of whether to continue having sugar in my tea. I've always had one sugar with my tea based on the belief that it makes for a better, more rounded cup of tea (or because I have an insanely sweet tooth). But in recent months I have come to see that no sugar in tea might be better all round. The change came at L'abri when I drank copious amounts of tea, fairly milky which needed no sugar, in fact the sugar made them taste worse. I had never experienced such feelings before. Since then I've really really tried to put sugar back in my tea but to no avail. The drink I had known and loved for so many years was unfamiliar to me.

The transition has been hard, for a few weeks I have wavered in my love of tea, with sugar it tasted bad, without sugar it also tasted strange. I was unnerved. Could it be that I was loosing my love for tea? Was I loosing my mind? Thankfully today I had a breakthrough. I had a cup of tea without sugar that I enjoyed, yes even loved. Was this a freak occurrence? No, I am currently partaking in my second cup of tea without sugar for the day, and enjoying it. These are strange times. I don't think I shall be rigid in my sugar ban, for instance on a rainy cold afternoon I may enhance my tea with some comforting sugar, but until those times the real change remains. No more sugar in my tea. This is a significant day. I am glad to share it with you.

2007-07-31T12:07:00.000+01:00

From a birthday card my excellent brother got for me. I think it sums up life nicely.

Share the beauty.

2007-07-15T11:18:00.001+01:00

Just to give you a taste of what we experienced last night. I love playing this with Binface and going crazy at the end. Anguished bliss.

Alive (take 2)

2007-07-15T10:52:00.001+01:00

Rereading the below post this morning I realise something is missing. It's all true enough, but the best, most brilliant thing of all that I failed to mention is...

You guessed it, or maybe you didn't. It's Jesus.

As we know Jesus is the answer to give when all else fails. The answer every kid in church knows to give, to get the sweetie the nice person at the front is throwing them if they respond to their questions. The problem is the familiarity of the answer. In my sociology degree our first lecture taught us to defamiliarise the familiar. At first I thought that was a bit foolish, take really familiar things and make them sound complicated in sociological language? How weird. But there is beauty in doing this well. Not just making simple concepts confusing, but taking the old and familair and looking at them from a different angle, defamiliarising so we see new things. We need to do this in relationships with each other, shake up our friendships, allow each other to be different and have changed. We need to do this with the Father, Son and Spirit.

I'm thinking that it's important that we don't just give the off the cuff answers but explore the wide area between A and B, between the question and the answer. For example we might think I'm in a relationship with God, how has that happened? Well it's because Jesus died on a Cross taking the punishment I deserve, He rose again to new life so I can too. That's a big old statement and just saying that isn't enough. There are a million questions that arise from it. What does relationship mean? Which God? Who is Jesus? How on earth does dying help? What punishment? Why punishment? Rose again? Too often we take the answers of these questions for granted and our expression of Christianity becomes small. The familar stuff needs to be up for exploration, so it remains fresh in our lives and affects who we are.

So, back to Jesus. All the stuff below is because of Him and the wideranging beautiful nature of his life, death and new life down here on earth. If I had time I'd talk about him a bit more. But I have to go and imitate him, today that involves eating a BBQ with my friends. Presumably the one at the end of John was sweeter tasting but it's good to know my Maker walking on earth liked BBQ's as well.

Alive

2007-07-14T23:54:00.000+01:00

I've spent the last few days at L'abri, a place that has soothed my soul and set my mind racing with thoughts, ideas, possiblities, hope and that feeling of freefall you get when the world is opened up to be bigger than the one you have been living in. It's easy in the land of Christian bubble to get so used to the language that you forget the concepts behind the language which are so much wider, bigger and more beautiful than we have words for. We constantly need to be working out what we are saying, using different language, allowing others to express things differently as well. Conversation is much more interesting that way, we can be free to ask questions, to not judge based on the right sounding answer, to dig deep into each other complex souls and take joy in the whole experience.

I'd like to issue challenges to any other blog writers whose blogs are full of Christian language, myself included, lets try and play taboo with our posts for a while. Thinking about the language we use to express this relationship with the Creator thing. Try not using words like God, Sin, Gospel, glorious, grace, Christ. Use different language to explain the same concepts. Enjoy the freedom of figuring out what we are really talking about.

At L'abri I was reminded of the reality of just being. Of sometimes breathing being enough, being the only expression of my relationship to the Creator. Of a God who is bigger than I am. I was reminded of the fact that we are most truely human, real and ourselves in relation to Him, and how that doesn't narrow the world down but sets us free to explore the deep and wide delights of being human. Being human is so incredible when you stop to think about it, the complexity of all we are and do is staggering. We can embrace that, swim in it, delight in it and not just express things in the narrowness of our correct language that belongs to our partcular subset of this thing we call Christianity. God is bigger than it all.

There are many thoughts floating down in my head which need to be written, tested and conversed with. For now I'm glad to know that there is no outside when it comes to the Maker. I may run out of the door of my house that I have built for our relationship but He is outside as well as inside. There is no outside of God that I can run to. I am loved and accepted wherever I go because I am his.

Music is the light that you cannot resist.

2007-07-14T23:11:00.000+01:00

Two years ago, so this blog tells me, I saw REM in concert, I wrote an overexcited piece on the joys of music then. There is not much more to tell, you can read the archive for yourselves, my thoughts on music rarely change. It's one of the best things ever about being human. Today was a celebration of that.

The Travelling Wilburys were one of those super groups stuffed full of big names, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, Tom Petty and George Harrison, and it turned out they liked having fun together, playing music and writing songs. This morning I watched a dvd of how they made the first album and immediately wanted to quit my job and be in a band for the rest of my life.

Later, I and the one with a face like a bin played pretty music all afternoon, and then went to see the man whose voice makes you want to do all sorts of things you really shouldn't be doing. Damien Rice doesn't disappoint on any level. The only disappointment to be found was in the idiots sitting behind me who in the most beautiful rendition of Cannonball sat behind me saying, (put on your best stupid voice now) "It's like a special bit he's doing, it's f**king awesome, it's awesome, it's like acoustic innit." ALL THE WAY THROUGH. Argh. Damien really should be more selective in his fan base.

ANyway. Not even the endless shouts for 'The Blowers Daughter' and refusal to listen to anything the genius was doing that wasn't 'The Blowers Daughter' could detract from the beauty of the evening. My consolation at the end was the prospect of getting to play in a gig on Thursday, yes Rooted are back and gigging again, to be honest we didn't really go anywhere but it sounds more mysterious to say that. For a sneak preview the international folk bitch herself has got onto myspace, go listen here.

The best thing about the job...

2007-06-30T23:20:00.000+01:00

I've always said the best thing about my job is working with Relay workers, getting to walk alongside people as they struggle with encountering Christian ministry for the first time, dealing with the joys and the sorrows of it all. It's been great to walk through the last three years with Lou, Jonny, Sam, Jess and Ceryn. It's not easy, it's not easy to get right and I'm all too aware of the times I've got it wrong. I've felt some of what it must be like to be a parent at times, and have loved seeing God transform, challenge, change, equip and work in, and through, these people.

On Thursday we ended the year well in typical English style, a picnic against the backdrop of gathering dark clouds and a strong wind. Still, it was good to ponder the highlights, to reflect on what God has been up to and the fun times we've had. It's good to know that these times mark more of a beginning than an end and that God most definitely works beyond Relay. So, I'm grateful for another year of good times, dark times, strange times and confusing times, I'm grateful for being able to be part of it all. I'm glad that God is their God and that He is into the business of completing the excellent work He starts. Next year I walk with Anna and Sarah and I'm looking forward to more of the same.

But as for me?

2007-06-29T11:29:00.000+01:00

Everytime I hear about someone who has walked away from this thing we call living with Jesus, walking in his ways and trusting that there is more than this, I find myself sent into a spin of analysis. I wonder what drove them too it, how God could let them go, how these things work at all. I find myself asking the questions again, asking what makes me stick this storm out, what holds me here? Is it just the way I've been brought up? Is it because this is my job? Is it because I'd be out of money and friends if I turned from it all? The questions are loud, and maybe they should be. Maybe we should ask these things instead of taking on the beliefs of all around us, maybe we should shout out, question, search, and ask the why at the heart of it all.

But the doubts are to be contained in the corner of my mind, left to sit for a while, not entertained, not fed, not drawn into unbelief, hard heartedness or rejection. The thing is, in the wondering on others lives, I am not expected to live as others do, in the face of all this the one who stepped into time and space gently lifts my head, gazes into my eyes and asks. "What about you? Do you want to leave too?" The answer remains the same. "Lord to whom shall we go?". The gaze is a gaze of love, of knowledge. I'll stick with the Maker, because he really knows, because the old story of the cross, the cup and the hill is still true and because he sticks with me. The questions need to be faced, but the loving eyes of my Maker also need to be sought. There is more than this.

I've quoted this before but it remains brilliant:

"And laments have a purpose and laments have a cost
A requim playing gathers the lost
It sometimes tastes sour, the sweetness of hope
When the blizzards are raging on this lovers slope
Yet I don't want to freeze inside or out
For it's you that disolves the cold walls of doubt.

So turn me tender again
Fold me into you
Turn me tender again
And mould me to new
Faith lost it's promise
And bruised me deep blue
Turn me tender again
Through union with you."

Snapshots.

2007-06-27T19:44:00.001+01:00

1. Sitting in my friends room, being introduced, once again, to something that will broaden my perspective on this life. Sitting watching this. Sitting watching This American Life. To say it's a show merely about people's lives would be to cramp it's style. It's a programe that tells stories. Real life stories. It opens your head up to other worlds, and that's probably the best thing you can say about something. Things are beautiful when they open up your head space to new ideas, different ways of thinking. The moment when you see the world in a way you've never seen it before is to be savoured. Hearing crafted stories does that, sharing someones experience sometimes alters your experience and causes the world to be seen differently. I like that feeling.

2. Sitting staring at the rain, pounding the ground, watching the wind move the trees in ways they aren't supposed to be moved, watching the sky change through shades of grey as clouds edge across my view.

3. Sitting in a coffee shop gazing out of the window watching all the people walking past. Watching peoples lives, the young mothers with babies afixed to their bodies, working out how to order coffee without abandoning the babies, and working out if they have anything in common if the conversation switches from babies. Watching the working lady meet up with her son and handing out ten pound notes to her teen, plus girl friend. Was he her son?

4. Driving a Mini Bus talking through life with someone who I've never talked to before, sharing stories, hearing life from the perspective of a mother with teenage children, musing on similar thoughts and ideas together, finding hope in voicing life to each other.

5. Doing something inherently practical. Something simple. Something that has no emotional consquence, no bad reflection on my character, just something simple for 2 hours. Craving more of a job that is bound by measurable time.

6. Reflecting. Realising. Thanking and hoping.

Relay 3

2007-06-13T17:03:00.000+01:00

The best part of Relay 3 is the presentations on peoples years, (actually the best part is the Bonfire, but that doesn't work for this post...the presentations are a pretty close second and that's good enough for me). These always feel a little like a AA meeting with lots of honesty, tears and acknowledgement of a higher power, without whom things would have been impossible.

I got to do one this year as I'm leaving the staff team (sob). I went for honesty, for the Kath who is a little bit vulnerable, not very confident and stuffed full of stinking pride, wanting to be liked, wanting to be God. It is strange looking back at my Relay past. I can clearly remember my first Relay conference about 8 years ago, the sheer freedom of grace, of knowing there were no levels anymore and that God really did want to use me. As time has worn on, I've felt more like the older brother in the Prodigal son story than the younger. It's all too easy to grumble, complain and think I've earned more by sticking around for a bit.

The brilliant thing about Relay conferences as a Staff worker is that they have reminded me of what the Father reminds the son of in the story. To come and join the party, to remember God is always with me and that the invite to the party extends to me in my pride and stubbornness. All He has is mine, why not join in and rejoice? Each conference I've joined the party of grace, the party of a God who loves us anyway and who is committed to stubbornly redeeming and delighting in us.

This quote pretty much sums up how life is, as we discover that our sin doesn't get less as we go on with Jesus. It's a hard reality to face up to, but there is a better hope than our ability to keep loving God and living His ways.

"But alas! These my golden expectations have been like the south sea dreams. I have lived hither to a poor sinner, and I believe I shall die one. Have I then gained nothing? Yes I have gained that which I once would rather have been without - such accumulated proof of the deceitfulness and desperate wickedness of my heart as I hope by the Lord's blessing has, in some measure, taught me to know what I mean when I say, 'behold I am vile!' I was ashamed of myself then, I am ashamed of myself now and I expect to most ashamed of myself when he comes to receive me to himself. But oh! I rejoice in HIM that HE is not ashamed of me!"

Cynical?

2007-06-13T16:19:00.000+01:00

So, I've been reading this recently, a book which I thought I should read, seeing as how grappling with cynicism seems to be a hobby of mine. It's a book that also brings a little light to dawn on explaining the title of this blog. I'm a cynical idealist, I think most cynics are. We wouldn't be so cynical if we didn't have ideals. The flip side of cynicism is, in part, rampant idealism, which gets crushed. If we weren't idealists, why would we swing so widely into cynicism? Anyway. Here's a good quote which sums it all up better than I could.

"The professional pessimist sees one half of the picture, the professional optimist the other. The former calls the latter superficial and is in turn pronounced defeatist. Each possesses a distorted fragment of the Christian truth. The Bible's realism exceeds that of the worst cynic, for it knows what man has done to God. At the same time its hope surpasses the wildest Utopian fantasy, for it has concrete experience of what this same God will do for man." (some brainy man)

The Bible gives us the full picture, in our complete complexity of character and understanding. Within that picture there is room to be suspicious, but there is also definite reason for hope. We live with the tension of these two things. We need to beware that our cynicism doesn't constantly see through things until there is nothing to see anymore, and we need to beware the naivety of idealism with no suspicion to keep us alert. The Bible allows for the reality of our lives as complex humans in the hands of a Maker God. True wisdom, which the cynic and the idealist should seek, comes from Fearing God.

Relay 3 last week was all about that very thing (notice the joyous linkage going on in my thoughts). Proverbs is a book that teaches the reality of true wisdom. That real, practical, applied into living in this crazy world wisdom comes from God, and the way we live that out starts with the Fear of the Lord. A concept that understandably is a little slippery, but a concept that holds the key to how we live in this world (see Mo how I listen to your talks..apologies if I'm about to misinterpret them completely.)

The Fear of the Lord seems to be about living with God as God. With the Maker of the world as the best one to tell us how to live in this world He made. It seems a little simple, which is probably why we struggle with it. We want to be God, we want to live how We want to live. God comes along and tells us that true wisdom comes from Fearing Him, from relationship with Him, from living in His ways, Honouring Him, living in thanksgiving because He is God and we are not. God made the world and knows how it works, it therefore makes sense to live in it as designed.

What is a little more complicated is actually living that out. Walking in Fear of the Lord each day, living out the reality of the unseen, trusting in Him and guarding our hearts from the tugs and pulls of the other ways that seemingly offer wisdom at a fraction of the cost.

One final thought from the talks was the uselessness of self help books. They contain a wide variety of bonkers ideas but also they contain elements of truth, God's wisdom is out there in His world. Self help books say stuff that works, that makes some sense of this world, that's why they are so popular (that and our general tendency to self obsession).

The problem is they've taken the wisdom out of it's context. Whilst the stuff they say might be generally true, and whilst someone could take a whole load of Proverbs and create a best seller, they miss the point. The point is, this stuff only works in relationship with the Maker, who gives the power to change, the desire to change, the relationship within which to be redeemed and the final hope of complete redemption. We need to come back to our Maker to learn how to live well and to live as we were made to. He has the key, and the secret and everything else. True life is found in Him and His ways. Fear the Lord, there's a whole lot more exploring to be done...

Light Lunch

2007-06-02T09:52:00.001+01:00

Ignore the random Home and Away actress, and a 90s Kylie and enjoy the retro days of Mel and Sue. Mm.

Saturday Mornings.

2007-06-02T09:22:00.000+01:00

Ever since I've finished my 365 I've had this voice in the back of my head each day telling me what I would have written on the fair blog, were it still in existence. I find this strangely comforting as if my brain has had a new positive chip implanted within. Even on the dark days the voice is still there. I wonder how long it will last for? Today I lay in bed grumbling to myself on the idiocy of waking up at 7.30am on a Saturday morning, I opened the blind, pushed up my window and got ready for some more grumbling. However, there will be no more grumbling, no no, the sky is blue, sunshine poured into my room and the sea gulls screeched in that holiday feeling way. That is when my brain started writing for my 365 today.

In further news, I've rediscovered some 90s treats. Playing loudly in my ear is Moby's Play album. Go on, you know you have a copy lurking in your house somewhere, stick it on and dance baby. Also a bad old video from Mel and Sue's genius Light Lunch should be appearing here. Despite the random guests it's still worth it for a glimpse back into the days of bumming around as a student and purely getting up to watch Light Lunch.

Of interest.

2007-05-29T21:56:00.001+01:00

I think I am now compelled to at least write something here each night, fear not, I probably won't, but 365ing has made me slightly addicted to these words on the screen. This here made me dance inside tonight (go read). I like this man and his thinking. A refreshing tonic to my soul in the land of evangelical subcultures, branded worldviews, being told what to think about many things and a welcome kick against the notion that we should be attached to a list of tribal labels in our expression of faith in the living and true God.

The end of things.

2007-05-28T21:55:00.000+01:00

So, my 365 days of paying attention to detail has come to an end, read it over here. It feels strange to sit here and not write about the cool things that happened today, about how lovely friends came to play for the day, of how we sang songs, ate pie and had the first Shakeaway of the year, about how good Bank Holidays are. Maybe this blog will take over on that front and record more good stuff, or maybe it will be good just to enjoy things and not write about them. It's been fun, thanks to Becci for the idea in the first place, and if you haven't tried it, give it a go, there is beauty everywhere, it's fun discovering it.

As for this blog. Fishing has been fun, being away from the screen has been fun, but I might frequent these pages a little more now. Bed now though.

2007-05-07T22:34:00.000+01:00

Born of frustration.

2007-04-26T17:18:00.000+01:00

Read this. And as ever my brother might have hit the nail on the head. "No pointers - except one - forget the blogs, read the bible".

"7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[b] into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[c] our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

Off to see how this works out in practise. Head down, getting on with not trying to be right or prove some points but to figure out how to get on with loving the people I meet. Posturing, pondering and interesting thoughts will seem more attractive, always. What matters is living it out daily. Much harder and less kudos but the Jesus way.

Dusting.

2007-04-21T08:31:00.000+01:00

Saturday morning is cleaning morning in our house, generally done to the tones of 60's Soul music and aided by the cute cat who seems to be convinced that this is his house. In the spirit of cleaning it seems appropriate to dust down this fair blog and do some spring cleaning here. Convinced I've alienated even my most hard core readers by the lack of posting. I can breathe a sigh of relief and get back to writing random rubbish without the added pressure of thinking, who will think this is witty, clever, holy, wise and any other adjective you care to think of. (I think it's an adjective that I'm after, I could be wrong...). The observant reader might notice the slight pointless nature of writing for an audience who might not exist and ask why I don't go back to just writing thoughts on the computer for my own personal consumption. I'm still not sure of the answer but that's the conundrum of blogging and so I'm going to ignore that glaringly obvious point and get back to enjoying this blogging thing again.

Sigh. Over explanations of blogging are the most boring blogging posts but as I'm in the mood for doing pointless things I'm going to leave my chunterings.

Anyway. I feel a need for a Dear Diary moment (more extensive details of our trip here) and inform anyone still listening that I *heart* NYC. Yes the Big Apple was visited, thanks to the lovely Sarah and the nice people who pay her lots of money to do her job. We had more fun than we deserved and I discovered that it is possible to find beauty in cities. I thought I really needed the mountains to discover beauty, but it turns out I just need a good view, some huge things that are bigger than little old me, some ascetically pleasing food shops and I'm sorted for my need to gaze in wonder.

In a slightly more geeky train of thought, I now utterly understand what the makers of SimCity were trying to get me to do all those years ago. They wanted me to make New York. I wanted to make London in a random swirly pattern and not have nasty big roads, they wanted me to make the proper grid system and make the city work. No room for creativity and self expression there. (ok so their style of city works much better but that is besides the point.)

I also enjoyed wandering in Greenwich Village, seeing the place where some of my favourite artists made wonderful music. I've always had an obesssion with American folk music (probably due to my parents slightly random record collection), from Woody Guthrie and Pete Seeger to Bob Dylan, to Bruce Springsteen. I can't really explain what it is that I love about this strand of music but I think it fuels the desire in me to head back in time to the 60s, grab a camper van and drive across America in a drug enhanced road trip. That's what reading Steinbeck and Kerouac as a teenager will do for you. (yes I also drank coffee black for a time because it was cooler, there's a beatnik poet lurking deep within me just waiting to get out.)

My final thought for this Saturday morning is that it has been sunny for a whole week now. Sunshine makes me want to get out of bed despite overtiredness from Jetlag. Sunny days give me the opportunity to do my job outdoors which makes Bible study more fun. This time of year my room is filled with little specks of sunshine from the mirror ball I have reflecting the light. This makes me smile. Sunny days also lead to sunny evenings and the joy of gazing at beautiful sunsets with pretty pink skies. It's a beautiful world out there.

Update:
It is now officially spring/summer. Our Christmas Hedge was taken down today and placed in our ever growing surrealist garden. I think we've finally accepted Birgitte has gone and can move to the next process of the grieving stage. For the record our garden now contains a broken washing machine, a broken bicycle, a 70s swivel chair, a dying garden table, two dead Christmas trees, some poorly made concrete bird baths and the broken head of a pottery sheep. Surprisingly it still looks pretty, green and as if you'd want to spend time there.

It's that time of year again.

2007-03-29T22:18:00.000+01:00

The time of year when I head to Skegness is upon us. Once more I am interested to see what God will do on a beach in Skegness, and deeply glad to be getting away from my room and to the land of colleagues, fun and Butlins tack. Then in a random twist of fate and irony I'm heading to New York. The big apple. The city that never sleeps and other cliched lines. Something tells me it might have been a good idea not to leave the packing for the next two weeks until tonight. My current mantra is, remember your passport, remember your passport...

So, til a couple of weeks, go read a book, have some cups of tea and take a look at Isaiah 44, you never know it might do you some good.

I've got another confession to make.

2007-03-27T20:36:00.000+01:00

The thing is, I'm not perfect. (try not to spit out your tea in shock) Now I don't I really think I am or that anyone else thinks I am. But sometimes that's the expectation isn't it? We assure each other that we know we're not perfect, we laugh about it, how ridiculous. But then we hurt each other, and the wheels come off. We know the other person isn't perfect and yet we are hurting and we're not too sure how to deal with all that.

The thing is, I'm a selfish sinner. I think of myself before others. I make things about me me me me me. And sometimes I say things like that to make you all think that I'm oh so honest and real about my sin. Deep down I still want it to be about me. The layers and layers of sin and muck go deep. I rebel against my creator, I hurt his creation, I am a wretch.

The thing is, so are you.

We have a problem. And it's made worse by knowing that we were made for so much more than this. We were made to love, to put others first, to be unselfconscious about ourselves and deeply concerned about those around us. We were made to love the best in each other, not delight in the worst. We know things should be different and so we get surprised at the hurt, and the pain is deeper because we know, this should not be. We respond to the pain others inflict by withdrawal and we hide the hurt under the veneer of "I'm fine". It's crazy how much hurt gets hidden to fester under the surface this way. We were not made to live with the "I'm fine" veneer.

There is another way to be. A way that doesn't deny the pain we inflict on each other, a way that doesn't expect perfection but seeks to live in the mess, a way that is open, honest and real with each other. A way based on the open admission that you and I are wretches but that we are wretches upon whom love has been lavished, and who are called to lavish the same love on each other.

This is how we were made to live. "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God." We learn from the master, we learn from the greatest example and we love. We love because He teaches us how, and His love involves forgiveness, an expectation of sin and a deep welcome home when we turn back. This is a love that does not falter, a love that perseveres even in the face of hurt, pain, and wounds caused by others.

I'm not saying this is simple. It's simply hard. But it is our call, it is the way we are to live, it smashes our pride on the floor, as we admit we have hurt others and accept grace, as we admit others have hurt us and give out grace. It's our call as His body. It's the only way to genuine community, it's the only way to walk as Jesus did. The big surprise of our world right now is that I am not at the centre. Our lives are for others. Our lives are His.

Humility.

2007-03-26T21:06:00.000+01:00

One of the best definitions of humility I've heard is:

"Being able to rejoice when others are praised."

Think about it, how well do we do that? I know I am rubbish at this. I am glad, at times, not to get all the praise/attention for something. But if someone else does, I definitely want a piece of it.

We need to rejoice in each other, big each other up and delight when others are recognised.

PS, you do realise I write this stuff for my own benefit...

Toilets can be tricky.

2007-03-17T13:22:00.000Z

This is true. Take for example the toilets on the, delightful in every other way, trains up to London from Brighton. I presume you are familar with the electronic doors, the huge wide space they expose as they slowly trundle their way open. You may have seen several people standing in confusion inside or outside the doors staring at the complicated buttons proclaiming, press to close, press to lock, press to open. It's tricky isn't it? All the time you can see the lack of trust in this system in the eyes of the person wanting to use the said toilet. I can understand, who would want to be sat there as the huge door slowly exposes you to the world. A situation made worse by the close door button not being in handy reach when you are sitting down on the loo.

My housemate guided me to the best place to sit on a train yesterday. By the door to the toilet. A source of endless amusement. At first I thought only men were brave enough to attempt the potentially embarrasing toilet system, after all there is less risk of exposure when the doors open, all you do is turn your head around and shrug, I know because I saw this occur. One man was exposed in such a way, one man got stuck and had to force the doors open, one man stared in confusion at the buttons for a long time. When we neared London it appeared that a new force in toilet use had come upon us, women stepped up to the challenge. Three used it in succession, all pressing the buttons in the correct order and with no embarrassing sitting on the toilet watching the rest of the carriage come into view as the oversized doors slowly rotated. I was disappointed.

The moral? Sit near these toilets next time you are bored on a train, you will not be sorry. What was wrong with the simple doors with no electronics and a lock you could trust?

Lots can change in a year.

2007-03-11T17:07:00.000Z

A year ago, this helped to produce this:

I'm thinking of taking commission now, does anyone else want to be advertised on this blog? You never know what can happen! Hehe. Ah well, I get a sister as well as a brother out of all this, and they are cute aren't they...:-)

Some things aren't so meaningless.

2007-03-11T12:38:00.000Z

Ecclesiastes proclaims that most things are meaningless and there is little hope in this world, our experience echoes with that, here we groan and feel the ache of this broken world. However, as Aragorn is fond of saying, “there is always hope”. And the hope we have is real and certain. The resurrection happened. Jesus rose from the dead. If it didn’t happen we should embrace the 'eat drink for tomorrow we die' philosophy of this world. But he did. Christ has indeed been raised. Therefore we have hope. We have hope of the brilliant future that awaits us, but also hope now. That our labour is not in vain. After banging on about the resurrection for the whole of 1 Corinthians 15 Paul encourages his readers to give themselves fully to the work of the Lord because it is not in vain. There are things that aren’t meaningless. Our labour is not in vain. It is not wasted and we can do things that have value for eternity. You may do a small dance now.

And enjoy this quote… from thoughts on Isaiah 35 (go on read it)
“For we too are exiles and we cry out for home. We cannot save ourselves, but the way has already been raised up for us, and we have already set out on it. Like the prodigal we are on our way home, but we know far better than he did the welcome that awaits us. And this part of Isaiah’s vision is like a refreshing oasis on the way, where we can pause and gather strength for what remains of the journey. Joy and gladness and God himself are up ahead, and with that certain knowledge we can rise above our weariness and set out again.” (Barry Webb)

Where are you building heaven?

2007-03-05T22:15:00.000Z

Too often the answer to that question is right here, right now. I want the amazing house, the perfect lifestyle, the trendy Brighton flat within walking distance from the sea front, I want the pretty views, the relationships that will last and last, someone to come home to, something more to prevent me from floating away, I want comfortable furry things, I want, I want I want... I want it all and more. I want to know that this stuff will make me more of a person, will still the lonely ache in the bottom of my heart and make me happy.

The rational part of my brain screams at me, tells me that this stuff is temporary, not guaranteed, not the be all and end all of life. But the sound is turned down and all I can hear the the enticing voice saying that this new thing will be enough to fill the hole. The truth is, it won't. This life should have taught me by now that nothing is certain, that things and people will not fill the hole. The ache underneath will not go away, will not be sated, will be underlying in all of this life. Not because I am an eternal pessimist. But because we were made for more than this.

We were made for a different place and until we get there we will groan, meanwhile we groan, meanwhile this planet groans. I could fill my life with stuff, I could seek the comfortable, the safe, the warm. And I do. But the warmth is a deceptive warmth, a blanket that will not ever cover me. We are strangers here, aliens and without a home. This is not our home. Home awaits, and we are to build there. Not my empire here, not a legacy of people who think I am cool, or a wonderful house, job, relationship success. These things, although wonderful special things to be delighted in when they are around, will fade and pass away.

There is more to come, there is better to come, there is a lover who calls my name and asks me to walk with him out into the rain, who says that he will be enough to cover me, who says that he will take me home. There is one who calls my name and asks me to bring others to Him, to help out in the work of eternity. To walk the path marked out for me without pridefully or enviously comparing myself to those around me. But to keep my gaze on Him who has walked this way before.

This here and now is my idol. But we have a better hope. We have the fount of living water. We have the truth that brings us freedom. We have the wisdom of God and not this world. We are called to seek heaven where it belongs, not here and now, but waiting for the Bridegroom to come. And he will. As the sun rises today, He will come. Christ has been raised. We will be too. Now we live lives that herald and announce the dawn of that hope to this messed up broken world. Where are you building heaven? What can't you take with you when you go?

Phew

2007-03-01T21:03:00.000Z

Hoorah, it is now March. The evil month of February has disappeared for good, and today the sun shinned. There are several things to note. Firstly my poor car has now gone past the 100,000 mile mark. When I got it 3 and a half years ago it had done 35,000 miles. Hmm. I think there is something wrong about that much driving in 3 and a half years. Everyone feel sorrow for the car.

Secondly I think there is a profound thought brewing in the back of my mind about drumming. In the drum class I go to we learn basic african rhythms (and if I could learn to spell that word it would help me greatly). These consist of one basic beat, with several accompaniments that overlayer it. We all take it in turns to play these whilst someone keeps the basic rhythm going. Every so often our teacher gives a signal and we head off into a break and then back to the rhythm again. It's a thing of beauty when we get it right. And the profound thought is something about us all being different but working together with the basic beat holding us on course, you do the figuring out.

Thirdly, it might be March but we still have our Christmas hedge up complete with fairy lights and Margaret the angry angel on top of it. The hedge is doing well, no signs of needle dropping or going brown. I am proud of it.

Fourthly, it turns out that I only had a few of things to write about. Ah well. I shall go and have a cup of tea and wait for further inspiration to strike.

Something new.

2007-02-25T21:33:00.000Z

I've spent the day ploughing on through and have finally come up with this: Inspired by Nick Hornby and spurred on by Steffy and Witsy I've eventually managed to write my 31 songs. Enjoy.

31 Songs

James Meagher 1978-2007

2007-02-21T21:16:00.000Z

I'm not at all sure of the etiquette of posting such things here, but James was great, I love his wife Sarah and I'm very sad that we have to do the rest of our lives without him. He however gets to large it up in heaven eating big steaks. (at least that's my interpretation of Isaiah 25.) It was his funeral today and although we cried and gasped at the awful situation, we clung to the brilliant hope that one day we will see him again. No wishful thinking. But raised because Jesus has been raised.

Apologies to Sarah for the picture of her, it was the best I had of him, and it captures his cat-who-got-the-cream smile he smiled at her from time to time.

Wish list

2007-02-14T22:45:00.000Z

On one of our doors we have a hall of shame full of people who have abandoned us. People whom Fallowfield welcomed into the bosom of friendship only to be rejected and abandoned for London, Denmark, Asia and another part of London. Well sucks to them, we have a better idea. We want these people to live with us in our spare room.

Bill Bailey
Simon Amstell
Susan Kennedy
Cathy Haines
The whole cast of Hustle
Will Ferrell (Lizzi's idea)
Sue Perkins (my idea, Lizzi is too small to remember her genius, she is a child)
A big Dog.

(Clearly our spare room might need to be converted into a tardis to fit them, or we should get a small shrinking device fitted for each one of them. Actually that would be genius, imagine, a little Susan Kennedy to take with you wherever, bliss.)

So anyway

2007-02-12T11:31:00.000Z

Life is too weird to post anything vaguely profound right now, instead have a go at this found at Steffy B's site.

"What ever happened to lazy, egocentric blog posts? It's about time I brought them back into fashion, and thought I'd steal a bit of Me Time too."

Your Name:
My name:
Summarize me in three words:
Where did we meet:
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me:
When is the last time that we saw each other:
Do I drink?:
Do I smoke:
Am I happy:
Am I a good person:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me:
What's one of my favorite things to do:
Am I funny:
How do you make me smile:
What's my favorite type of music:
Have you ever seen me cry:
Can I sing?:
What is the best feature about me:
Am I shy or outgoing:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
Do I have any special talents:
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):
I'm hot? Am I not? Go ahead, you can say ... :
Have you ever hugged me:
Kissed me?:
What is my favorite food:
Have you ever had a crush on me:
Am I dating anyone:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
What's your favorite memory of me:
Who do I like right now:
What is my worst habit:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?
Are we friends:
Do you want us to be more than friends?
Do I believe in God?
Am I family oriented?
Who is my best friend? Will you repost this so I can do it?

Copy it, paste it in a comment, make me smile.

What do you see?

2007-02-08T17:04:00.000Z

The reality of the invisible sometimes seems like the most slippery thing to hang onto in this life. The reality that there is more out there than I can imagine, that the invisible affects the visible, that there is a God who knows what He is doing sometimes seems so hard to grasp. There are moments this week when I have caught a glimpse of that invisible, the annoying thing is that the peek behind the curtain seems to only increase my frustration at not being able to grasp it more fully. Tonight I have to talk about who Jesus is. I want to give it my all, to speak of the wonders of Jesus, the reality of the Word become flesh, the beauty of his humanity, the wonder of his death and ressurection. But everytime I go through the talk I think that it's all bonkers.

The good thing is that we're told to expect this. Foolishness is the hallmark of the message, something that seems bonkers, inadequate and stupid if there is no invisible. On my good days I love that. I love that God gets to be the clever one, displaying his message through weak stupid stuff, so that all get to see how brilliant He is. On my bad days I'm frustrated that it isn't written in neon letters in the sky for all to see. We are told the night is coming to an end and that the day is coming. Living in the light of that day goes against all my instincts, but also points to the fullfillment of all my body cries out for. Living in the light of that day I shall do my talk tonight and trust that the Maker of this world will be at work opening eyes to see Him. Really all I want to do is put John's account of Jesus life into their hands and make them read about the most amazing man who ever lived.

Looking out of my window I can see that the trees are moving in the wind. Maybe the invisible really does affect the visible in this world...

Sigh.

2007-02-02T23:00:00.000Z

Somethings that have made me smile this evening:
Talking to an old friend, in Canada now, on the phone, happy to chat and catch up and embrace the slightly surreal nature of talking to someone in the past (well only 8 hours in the past...). Informing her of my blog and then thinking about her reading it whilst I was also reading it. Despite hours between us it's kind of cool to know we can still be doing the same thing at the same time.

Also, amidst the pain of Birgitte leaving it's good to know that we too can do the same things despite the vast gap between us. Right now we're listening to the same CD that I made her before she left. That makes me smile through the slightly melancholy feel of tonight. Distance isn't what it used to be.

Oh and I like reading my blog, a bit self obsessed maybe, but it's a creative expression of me. I like that. Nothing particularly meaningful or profound, but fun. Woop. Right, bed and some more 24 to not really soothe me to sleep.

A thought.

2007-01-30T20:50:00.000Z

As I was talking to the wonderful Anna Bennett (I owe her the urge to get back to blogging again) at Relay 2, I was reminded of a thought I'd once had about the vast amount of crazy Christian Subcultures we find ourselves in. Sometimes, especially in this job, I get overwhelmed by the number of people claiming that God is 'in' their particular branch of this thing we call following God and seeking to be more like Jesus. I get confused as to what God is really doing, whether He's more with certain people or less with others. It's easy to feel like a chameleon some of the time, speaking the right language with the right people. I asked God once what on earth this was all about. His answer was the beautiful simplicity of Isaiah 66:2

"Has not my hand made all these things,
and so they came into being?"
declares the LORD.
"This is the one I esteem:
he who is humble and contrite in spirit,
and trembles at my word."

The language we use, the labels we like to cling to aren't the important thing here. The issue is, whatever label you use, whatever subculture you belong to, are you humble, contrite and trembling at Gods word? That's what He is after. That's what I want to aim for in this maze of ideas. It's easy to get lost along the way and just fall into following the crowd around us, God is interested in our hearts, in us living and breathing more and more of Him revealed in His word. It really doesn't matter about the tribes or styles you hook up with after that. And that's what we look for in others, not people who speak the right language, have the same heroes, wear the same clothes, go to the same conferences, but those who are humble, contrite and tremble at God's word.

Back.

2007-01-29T21:35:00.000Z

As much as I hate to read blog posts that claim to have more to say later, that's the theme of this one. There is more to say in the next few days about the things my brain has been mulling over since the delights of Relay 2 (our second brainwashing conference for the production of clones...). I have caught the Relay cold and should be tucked up in my bed, hence no uber long posting here. However I think the proceedings should start with at least a few of the reasons as to why Relay is possibly the best invention, and why being on the staff team at Relay conferences makes me incredibly happy.

A friend asked me to explain what was so good about being on Relay Staff. Well here's a few of the reasons: (in no particular order)
1. Working as a team, which in this job is a crazy rarity and wonderful.
2. In that team: Depending on God together, having lots of fun together, laughing very hard and generally living in community for a few days with lovely people.
3. Sharing burdens with people, loving and encouraging them and being loved and encouraged back.
4. Sitting in a room full of about 70 people who want to love God more than they already do, and experiencing a little bit of His work in their lives.
5. Being reminded that God is still God and the gospel is still true.
6. You get to live based on the reality that you are a sinner and that is no news to anyone, especially not God and you get to know grace as a reality rather than a concept.
7. God is constantly on display through chats, seminars, praise times, chilling times, coffee moments, crying moments and general interaction as his body together.
8. I've been reminded time and time again that this life really is all about God and not me.
9. Living, serving and loving in the freedom of that.
10. Where else could you go from talking about the core of our identities, exposing the deepest sin to dancing in front of people in the karaoke madness of the fun night in the space of about 4 hours?
11. Knowing that it's really not about any of the levels we like to build in our Christian subcultures.
12. Getting to bongo and as I stand at the front see people pour out their hearts to their Maker.
13. Chatting about reality with Relay workers, praying with them, being a small part of God's work in them but most of all bringing them to His feet and leaving them in His arms.
14. Laughing until it hurts.

At my first Relay conference 7 years ago I sat in a room full of newbie Relay workers and realised for the first time that there were no levels anymore, that we all stood on the same ground of God's freeing grace. I felt like I belonged because it wasn't about what I could do but about God's strength and grace. I can't use any words that don't sound cliched but the freedom of that moment has stayed with me. The bliss of standing knowing that the Maker of all knows all the depths of my heart and still faces me with his unrelenting stubborn love is something to bathe in for a long time.

It turns out this post was fairly long after all. More soon.

New things.

2007-01-20T08:02:00.000Z

Here and here.

Book group.

2007-01-15T22:23:00.000Z

Seeing as I have attempted no round up of 2006 I thought a small sharing of the books our book group have read would be in order. We have munched our way through:

We need to talk about Kevin- Lionel Shriver
The Kite Runner- Khaled Hossenini
Wicked- Gregory Maguire
The Time Travellers Wife- Audrey Niffenegger
Never let me go- Kazuo Ishiguro
A long way down- Nick Hornby

All of which have provoked fascinating discussions, generally about what on earth this life is all about?, is there any meaning?, how can we find it out?, is it ok to have comma's after question marks?, death, mortality and other big topics of life the universe and everything. Which is clearly why I love it so much.

Asking the questions is a vital thing in this life, we have to ask why on earth we are here and what this crazy planet is all about. Even if we come up with the answer based on a maker and a journey home we also have to feel the weight of the questions. Because they aren't negated by an answer. Somethings are still not sewn up with the appearance of the answer. The question comes to us all, how do we live right here, right now? I happen to think that is all determined by the was and is to come bit but then again I always was a bit deluded...

Some things

2007-01-15T22:04:00.000Z

Tomorrow is 'wear your slippers to work' day. Check out Mr Burley's excellent blog for more details. My housemate gets to appreciate his genius at Cornhill so they can scheme over things like this. I think it won't be all that difficult for me to do, although I might draw the line on driving in slippers. Wear your slippers to work day.

On a completely different note here's an interview with a good band and their inspiring thoughts on this God thing.

Which I discovered on this man's blog, I know some people who know him, hence the discovery, I love his writing genius and the way he sometimes writes things that are in my head.

And finally.
Here are some things I'm glad of right now:
"Cos when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cos I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me"
(Casting Crowns)

Pretty snow.

2007-01-07T16:30:00.000Z

Snow makes the most amazing sound underfoot. It crunches and groans under your footsteps. Snow makes everything look amazing, deadens all other sound, makes you catch your breath in wonder and when it goes everything looks sad and defeated at being exposed for what it really is. Even communist architecture looks good in snow (although I do have a love of it without the snow covering, there's something about seeing concrete surrounded by beautiful mountains and green fields....) There's always something good about gazing at this amazing world and thinking, hang on, I know the maker. Or, hang on, the maker of all this knows me.

Tonight

2007-01-06T23:49:00.000Z

Tonight I feel like I'm in a decompression chamber, the cusp of two worlds, the space inbetween the lines in my head. The transition between what has been and what will be. It's strange to think that yesterday morning I was in Prague, and now I'm in Brighton, a route achieved via Bournemouth, Southampton and Guildford. Tomorrow I won't travel anywhere and then I'm off again. Which clearly explains the need to write this somewhere. I'd better go to bed before tomorrow comes.

A new year.

2007-01-06T10:18:00.000Z

This new year passed me by, I was in the land of escape, the lovely Czech mountains, enjoying being back in Eastern Europe. We spurned new year in favour of bed and sleep. Liberating maybe, but the whole new year thing has passed me by. I did however make one important resolution: Eat more fruit in savory dishes. It really works. And yes, that is what I have learnt from the last week and a half. There is something enormously satisfying about days when all you do is get up, walk around some pretty mountains, eat amazing food, read books, chat, laugh, eat more food, walk in more perfect snow scenes and go to bed. I don't see why we can't just do that for the rest of life. Really.

She's done it.

2007-01-06T10:13:00.000Z

Dammit. She's gone and done it, I don't of course mean dammit, I mean hoorah and other worthy things, and go and read this because it's brillant and wonderful. Steffy B's 31 songs. Now I'm in the agonising state of being spurred on to complete mine or slightly wondering whether to bother. Whatever, hats off to Binface.

Christmas thoughts

2006-12-24T17:37:00.000Z

It’s Christmas Eve. Christmas, a time when we get to be all excited because we remember that this stuff we believe in, attempt to live by and cling onto in the darkness is actually true. The living Maker of the universe stepped down into His world, walked into history, became flesh, became like His creation. That’s a pretty awesome thing to get your head around. We don’t follow a cleverly invented story, we don’t follow a nice story to make us feel better. We have a faith based in history, based in events that happened, based on the reality of a God who wanted to come down to save his people. Who wanted to come amongst us, to give us hope, to transform our lives, to enable us to serve him without fear.

This is the greatest story, and it’s the story which we belong to, the story of our lives today. This is the hope and future we live in. History, which affects right here, right now and what is to come. The has been, the is happening and the will happen are the tenets of our lives. And as we remember we look back and see what has been, and so we trust and hope and delight in that affecting what is now and we look forward to the hope and guarantee of the future which is to come. Jesus stepped in and he’s going to do it again.

We have questions, we have queries, we don’t get it a lot of the time and we doubt. But through all of that runs the Truth, the stuff that keeps us walking, the stuff that keeps us remembering, the stuff that will not go away no matter how hard our rebellious hard hearts get.

Lets proclaim this at Christmas, lets hold onto our hope, lets live deeply and well in this present moment (no pun intended) because the Word has become flesh. Jesus is not ashamed to be identified with us weak humans because he became a weak little baby himself. God has come. God has come. Our tender, mighty, living, breathing, life giving, justice loving, mercy giver, Father, lover, Lord, friend and King has come. And will come. And is Here. Breathe in deep my friends and lift your soul to Him who loves and adores you and calls you to come and join the eternal world on offer.

Other writers have written this better than I could.

“God with man is now residing”
“Then angels tore the sky apart, a child was born, another start, a chance for all to regain their heart and soul, a simple birth that let us see, what we’re worth and who to be, the value of humanity once for all.”
"Pleased as man with man to dwell, Jesus our Immanuel"

Fallowfield Crescent

2006-12-17T22:00:00.000Z

I love my housemates. Today has been Christmas day in our house, thus we ate a lot of food, had lots of fun and exchanged wonderful presents. All this tinged with the sadness of not seeing each other for ages and then Birgitte leaving for distant continents. Lizzi wrote a sonnet for her. It's beautiful and I share it here for your edification and joy. :-)

"Let me not to the friends of Fallowfield
Admit impediment. Friends are not friends
Who make tea for one, or bear a grudge over washing up undone
O no! Friendship is an ever fixed mark
Though stretched over continents it will not fray
Like the fairy lights will never be put away
And though a different form will be
A picture on the door of ye
Our friendship alters not with numbered hours and weeks
But bears it out even unto parting
If this be error and upon me proved
We never dined nor no friends ever loved."

Psalm 23

2006-12-11T10:39:00.000Z

I'm off to lie down in a green pasture for a week. Normal blogging/emailing/texting/365ing will be resumed next week. Until then ponder what we are waiting for, NOT an ethereal place with clouds, BUT a redeemed solid earth, new real bodies, perfect relationship with our Maker all guaranteed by the historical reality of the resurrection of the dead by Jesus. Certain hope. Reality that shapes all life now. Off you go, think about that for a bit, I have a green pasture to lie in.

Christmas songs.

2006-12-06T20:21:00.000Z

This man has taken the Christmas song genre to the limits and come up with some genius. Check it out here. Beautiful.

Advent.

2006-12-03T21:51:00.000Z

It is offically Advent. Offically a brilliant time to sit and contemplate, to sit still and find again the art of waiting. To stop and listen to the stirrings of Hope in this world. Remembering again that there is One who stepped into time and space, who took on the clothes of humanity and came to redeem and restore in this world. One who did not leave his people in darkness. One who came to bring in the dawn of new life, of real hope, of the beginning of the end. One who moved in and reshaped history. Advent, a time to reflect on the dark and begin to see again the glimmers of light that dance around and entice and gently lead us onwards.

The thing is, the thing that I have been reminded of this weekend, is that this takes time. We can't live at our full pelt run around madly pace and expect to remember. We have to slow down to become aware of the presence of the Other in our lives. To overcome the insanity of needing to achieve to prove worth, the need to display our social calender to the watching world and the panic of needing to prove ourselves to others or ourselves. There is time in the day, we need to find it. I want to find it. This weekend has slowed my pace down and tomorrow I don't want to race through again. Which means I will do less. Which means I will fill my head and senses with less, I will attempt not to pick up the TV remote as the first thing I do when I come into the house, I will attempt to only check blogs once in the day, I will attempt to not set my default reaction as 'fill head with stuff and images and ideas'. Slowing down matters. Because I am loosing sight of the shepherd, and thus I am less of a person, less of a friend, less of a lover. I want to know Him again. I want my hand in His, I want to know His voice, I want this advent to be about Him and not my manic activity.

I'll let you know how it goes...

2006-12-01T00:25:00.000Z

Hebrews 7 will furnish you with the answer to the quiz. Read it alongside the drawings and discover the genius of Jess.

A small quiz

2006-11-23T17:21:00.000Z

Click on this and see if you can work out what biblical character it's talking about (and no, it's not Jesus). Drawings by Jess.

The lies we believe.

2006-11-23T16:28:00.000Z

It turns out that we believe a lot of lies in our friendships with each other. These are just a few that need to be stamped upon and disregarded.

1. Everyone else has more friends than us, and therefore they don't need us in their lives.
2. No-one could/would ever fall in love with us.
3. We have to be busy to prove our worth.
4. Our worth and value are in the fun we have, the amount of friends we have, the amount of times we go out and do things with others.
5. We will not be as used by God as other people.
6. Other peoples friendships are better and deeper than the ones they have with us.
7. Everyone else is having more fun.
8. We can provide everything someone needs.
9. We need one person to meet all our needs.
10. Our mates have too many friends already and don't need us hanging around.
11. Being funny, clever, witty and articulate are the things to aim for in life, and if we are none of these things people won't like us anymore.

These are lies. They are not true, they are falsehoods, they are not in line with reality, they are big fat stinking lies.
For some of you reading this, you'll be thinking, clearly these are lies. For some of us, life isn't all that simple. I guess these lies all come from forgetting that our worth and value lie in the fact that we are beloved children of God, that He is the one providing the moments we live in each day, and that He calls us to live a life of love to all around us, rather than worrying about the lists of friends we have or don't have. True living is based around the brilliant example set out for us by Jesus himself. True living is reaching out to others, acting out of something bigger than self interest, submitting to someone elses ways of doing things. I want my mind to be renewed from it's lies, I want to believe and act on the Truth. I want to keep stamping out the lies.

Ceryn and Jess

2006-11-19T21:36:00.000Z

One of the best things about my job is that I get to work with lovely Relay Workers. Here they are in action at a training day on Saturday. I love them very much.

I particularly like the sign above Ceryn in this one :-)

Sundays

2006-11-19T21:29:00.000Z

Things to do on a sunny Sunday.
1. Sleep a lot.
2. Go out and have fun with friends in country parks.
3. Eat good food in pubs with roaring fires.
4. Get reminded of reality at Church.
5. Eat toasted teacakes in front of the TV.

For when our hearts weap glorious.

2006-11-14T20:24:00.000Z

"For when our hearts weep glorious
relieved of all this miserable
roll down canyons careless we
echoing with glee and goodness
forming visions in the scampering dust
and skimming frisbes made of sunspots

For when our hearts weep glorious
weightless of all bitter slump
sparkling as a beach we all
then burrow through the sighing waves
to play see saw with driftwood and shells

For when our hearts weep glorious
for when our hearts shout what a hoot
for when our hearts skip round and round
for when our hearts beat lots and more
then there we race in radiance
and all those dreams are then and now
and after that there is no fade
For when our hearts swoop without fall
outshines all
the one who paid"
(the outstanding Stewart Henderson)

The socks, my teachers...

2006-11-13T16:55:00.000Z

My socks are teaching me a lot at the moment. I thought I'd share these things with you. I've just bought some of the most comfortable pairs of socks in the world. These are made from a special wool that is ridiculously soft, my feet are happy and cosy and everytime I walk around the house I rejoice in my socks. I realise that I'm a bit too much in love with my socks. This is also expressed in my choice of bed linen. I have the most comfortable bed linen you can imagine, soft brushed jersey cotton, very strokeable and which makes me smile when I wake up because it's so wonderfully comfortable. I'm starting to think I like my comfort a bit too much.

This has brought me to think of the bigger things of this world, the longings I have and whether I am going to live to have them fullfilled in a short, unsatisfiying way in this world right here, right now. Or whether I am going to step out into the rain and head for the best place of safety, security and wonder imaginable. My longings for comfort, my longings to be loved, to be needed, to be warm and at peace are good longings, but socks won't ever fullfil them (nor for that matter will all the other things I try). Only one person can and does and will fully on that beautiful day when the new creation gets put in place and we are finally free from the sin that hurts us and the people we love. I love my socks and the fact that I can rejoice in the one who made them. But He is better than them and if all else, socks included, were to be taken away then He would still be enough. (note to self: believe this more.)

Traumatised

2006-11-05T20:17:00.000Z

I've done it, I've watched the end of the West Wing. I cried at every one of the last 6 episodes. I think I need trauma therapy. There is no more to be watched. I'm very sad right now. (possibly in both meanings of that word). The West Wing was beautiful for many many reasons, the wonderful dialogue between characters, those impossibly long sentences that no-one would ever get away with in real life. The characters that the writers clearly cared about, referencing back little details across series, knowing how to wrap everything up perfectly in the end. It was a series with hope, belief that maybe you couldn't change the world but that it's worth trying. And possibly it got a bit cheesy and far fetched and unrealistic but it left you with a sense that integrity, loyalty and genuine honesty were to be fought for and valued.

It had much to say about team life, especially in the first 4 series, on loyalty to the team, on encouragement, getting each others backs, brotherhood and perseverance in believing in people. It was funny, witty, far fetched, deep, a little bit too naive but with a strong sense that there are things in this world worth fighting for. Every British attempt at drama (with the possible exception of hustle) feels slow, dull, concerned with the worst in people, content with writing characters that all lie, cheat, deceive and have little redeemable qualities. It's much easier to write characters who are immoral, cheaters, unloyal and nasty.

It's so much harder to write convincing stuff about people who are deeply flawed but who also have redeemable qualities, who care about each other, who remain faithful. It's hard because it seems cheesy, but to do it well leaves you with some hope that decency towards each other is really possible, that we can be loving, faithful, loyal and retain some integrity in this world. The hope of redemption is always there. We need to hang on to that. And for bigger reasons than the hope that the human race all gets a bit nicer towards each other. Redemption is only found through one man and our hope is that we are being transformed into His likeness, that we can exhibit the brilliance of his selfless love in our lives. That's not naive or cheesy, that's reality.

One more step.

2006-10-29T16:44:00.000Z

There's not much to say here. There aren't many schemes, ideas, plans or wisdom that can be summarised here to work for the rest of life. There isn't a nice neat plan of how things are going to work out. Sometimes I can't see the mountain range mapped out in front of me. This is a journey that twists and turns, that goes down and up and spirals around. In fact, if you have time, it's a little like the walk I went on with my Dad today. We meandered around some Surrey countryside (and saw where his tunnel is going to go- very exciting), we wandered down a steep path with one view of a valley, double backed on ourselves further down the valley, seeing things from a different perspective and then walked down the other side of the valley, getting yet another angle on the pretty scenery. We trudged up steep hills, on paths that weren't all that obvious and back tracked on ourselves a couple of points along the way.

That is life. This is what we live, seemingly random and yet beautifully ordered in ways we will never know. And it's not our place to do the guessing, it's our place to keep walking, to trust in the weirdness, to look at the scenery and remember the one with us as we walk. It's our place to interact, to recall to mind, to be reminded and to receive the strength and mercy to walk the bit we walk today. And yet, it's easy to lose sight of that, easy to just do the bits of life that everyone else sees, rather than the hidden twists and turns, the hidden pathways on this journey that are essential along the way.

I've realised I've stopped doing the hidden things, the praying, preparing and planning (and other important things beginning with P). I've stopped remembering the One who is behind and through and in and who, well, just IS in all this stuff of life. It's easy to blame my job, other people or circumstances but the reality is I'm sinful. I'm lazy. And I'm sorry. But I also know that I have a God who is unending mercy. (well this is what I am told and this I shall believe, and when I can't someone else in this wonderful body can believe it for me.). A God who beats me in any staring contest, whose love is real, whose silence speaks louder than any silence I have known and a God who is committed to getting me home.

I'd love to put in a five point plan that would get me sorted out and able to keep walking without tripping up. But I can't. I don't have it, God is strangely silent when I ask him for such things. Perhaps because he's not dedicated to everyone seeing how together Kath Arnold really is. He seems to want me to live in this moment he's given me Today. He seems to want me to swallow my pride and receive. He seems to want me to take one more step, trusting that His grace is sufficient for this moment, and that tomorrow the mercies will be new. He seems to want me to love well, to eat and sleep and act with grace and mercy to those around me. He seems to want me to stop blaming and wallowing and to walk on because He is enough. He seems to look in my eyes with the most real love in the universe, calls me His child and offers his hand once more for the next bit of the journey.

It turns out that there was a lot to say, but there isn't much to do, be actioned or put into place, just some breathing, walking, sleeping and remembering that Someone else is redeeming, restoring, working through and enabling. My 5 point plan will never work, waking up and asking what He is doing might just. Being reminded by and reminding the people around me in this being-transformed-daily-together-body might. One more step, one more step.

Honesty

2006-10-24T18:04:00.000+01:00

There are things I think we need to speak about, the times when everything is dark and when unbelief seems to be the only thing we can do or experience. There are times when everything seems futile and bare. There are times when I cannot get out of bed without a long argument with myself on the need to do so and there are times when I think I have nothing to offer anyone. I have a feeling that I am not alone in these times. I have a feeling that some of these times come to all of us at one point or other in our lives.

These times hurt my pride, because they are reminders that I cannot do much in this world, I am broken and messed up. My mind is twisted and distorts things, I need someone else. I need someone to come into this mess.

These are times when the curtains come down, when every event in the future seems like too much effort, and every event in the past seems like a waste of time, fruitless and futile. These times are the times I lose my perspective, lose any connection to reality and what makes up reality.

Today has been one such time, a time when I couldn't do or think anything without tiredness and twisted things going on. It's times like these that I'm glad for friends on MSN and texts who remind me of the truth, and who know the same struggles. In times like these I worry that I am a freak for thinking this way about life, but it turns out I'm not (unless my mates are too). Hey, there's a whole Bible book dedicated to this stuff.

The reality is that we struggle, we struggle to believe, to have faith, to not believe the lies, to obey our Dad, to walk in Holy and Blameless ways that we were called to. There are times when we are wilful in our sin, hard in our hearts and trample on grace. There are times when the truth escapes us.

The thing is, Jesus is still real, still holding onto me, still patiently loving me, still here, still praying for me, still willing me on, still walking me hand in hand to the Father to be loved, still wanting the best for me, still prodding me, still challenging and disturbing me, still being Him. And there is nothing that can stop that love, nothing that can separate us from that love, nothing at all. And the brilliant thing is that all that is true even though my brain is kicking in right now and asking the "really?" questions. Phew.

I just like pretty pictures...

2006-10-24T17:59:00.000+01:00

My housemate thinks it's Christmas

2006-10-24T15:57:00.000+01:00

Really. Look. Do you think she needs professional help?

2006-10-24T08:08:00.000+01:00

One more thing that helps...

2006-10-18T21:48:00.000+01:00

Having MSN conversations with friends about how free we are to fail and how brilliant it is that Jesus expects nothing more, and has dealt with our sin and failures once and for all of the times we do them. A brilliant fact which reminds me of my old boss, who asked in his job interview whether the church he was going to work for was a place where he could fail. I guess we all need to be free to fail and to expect it from each other, because the reality is, we will fail. We are stupid sinners, but that's all God ever expected us to be. We expect to produce great things, never let anyone down and not hurt others, ourselves or God. He knows the Truth and wants us to learn it too. So that we can be honest with each other, quick to say sorry, quick to forgive, quick to display the same mercy that we have been shown, and quick to get into the redeeming and restoring business that our Dad is SO good at.

Community together will always be this process of hurt, repentance and reconciliation with grace being involved every step along the way. We need to expect less from each other and more of the depths of grace and mercy that the cross has bought us. This world desperately needs these kind of deep overwhelmingly loving relationships. We need the cross to seep into every area of our lives with each other. We need to listen to God the Father, Son and Spirit teaching us how to love one another well, to see them do it perfectly and abundantly, bringing glory to each other, loving each other and delighting in each other. We have so much to express of our amazing God's character in our relationships with each other.

Lets get on with it and be free to fail, free to come back again and again to the old rugged cross, and by his grace, power and energy, put to death the clinging rubbish that drags us down. The Spirit is at work within us, our failure is never the end of the story. We get on up, bloody and bruised from the fight, breathing hard and we take a deep breath in. The Spirit is at work with us, the Father will never let us go and Jesus is NOT ashamed to call us brothers and sisters. We walk on. We walk on.

Ways to get through the day.

2006-10-18T21:28:00.000+01:00

Top ways to stifle the boredom and drown out the fuzzy noise in the brain:

1. Go drumming. Bang it out of your brain.
2. Sit on a freshers stall and work out what your team would be if they were sweets.
3. Write to them to tell them their sweet category.
4. Invent new permutations of "paper, scissors, stone" with your Relay Worker- wavy fingers for fire (which burns paper), river like motions with your hands for water (rusts scissors, soaks up paper and kills fire), act out a bucket in the air (contains water and so defeats it) and then act a pushing motion with your hands (pushes the bucket over and kills the water again). You have to understand, we were on the freshers stall for 5 hours.
5. Eat nothing but cake and drink nothing but tea.
6. Make models out of blue tac and text a picture to a friend for comment. Jess made a particularly good desert island with a ship on the horizon. This was Steph's comment: "You have created a visual comment on the spiritual status of many of your students. There is a powerful juxtaposition between this stark reality and the rescuing ship of the gospel. Moving. Very moving."
7. Sit in a cafe on campus writing gibberish into a notebook whilst waiting for a student.
8. Drum some more.
9. Have MSN conversations about how to rule the world, where to escape to and dream of deserted islands and compulsory days of eating cake and dancing. (separate days of course, to combine the two would be madness, sheer madness.)
10. Other.... (please fill in as appropriate)

On the blog

2006-10-14T00:10:00.000+01:00

"Blogs then can indeed be wonderful expressions of who we are – an opportunity to communicate, to express oneself, to test ideas, and connect to those people who might be listening and might want to begin a conversation. Although such blogs are unlikely to attract huge traffic, that is not necessarily the point. Not everything is about celebrity and sales and causes celebres – bloggers create their own communities and sometimes it’s joy enough and satisfaction indeed to find a kindred spirit." (from some article about blogging on the LICC website. )

The first description of blogging that I've heard that sums up what I love about this medium and why I really love blogging, especially when I forget to write to impress, or create comments, or other such desires. This space is just a creative expression of parts of me, and that's what makes me keep posting.

A drum, a drum (name that Shakespeare play)

2006-10-12T21:31:00.000+01:00

Djembe, I've been learning to play my djembe. Small dance. I haven't learnt to play like this yet(click for genius playing)But it's so much fun. Rhythm drowns out the noise in my brain and leaves me feeling a little bit freer. Hoorah for rhythm and the genius of knowing the maker of it all.

I was sitting with a lovely student today reading through Jonah 1 marveling at the God who made heavens and the sky and sea. We thought about what the fear of God really means, and we got a little bit gobsmacked by the fact that we know the maker of the heavens, the sea and the sky. Now that's a point to smile about. We were also glad people like Jonah are in the Bible, God is used to sulky rebellious people who don't want to do his will, and delights in pouring out grace and patience on us as he brings us back into His ways. He really is brilliant. Contented sigh.

My God

2006-10-08T19:36:00.000+01:00

"My God full of mercy
Heard our weeping
Came to bring us home again
My God takes the broken
And makes them whole

My God mocked and beaten
Crushed and bleeding
Yet crying Father forgive
My God became broken
To make me whole

My God on the third day
In the morning
Broke the shackles of the grave
My God takes the broken
And makes them whole

My God knows my failures
Speaks forgiveness
Gives me strength to try again
My God takes the broken
And makes me whole."
(Stuart Townend)

Sigh. What a God we have.
Language has been doing my head in again, it's all too easy to skim over the words, think I know what they mean and forget the brilliant concept, idea, person or truth that they are communicating to me.

An example: I asked a friend on Friday what cool thing about God he'd been reminded of recently. He replied quoting Galatians 3 that the Gospel is blessing for all nations. A good thing. But my brain does something irritating.

I read a sentence like that and shudder inwardly because I forget the reality it is describing and just read the words. The words float over my brain and all I hear is seemingly jargon. Just words devoid of the concept they were describing. It's a problem with words becoming overfamilar and getting separated from the brilliant truth they were describing, so I stopped and thought about it for a moment.

Then it hit me, the Gospel being blessing for all nations means the reality of God coming to rescue his people is something that brings good things to the whole world. Get into that in more detail and suddenly you can see why my friend was excited. And I became excited.

Phew. But it's a battle. And it's one that is worth fighting, especially if you've been in this crazy Christian thing for a long time. It's all too easy to lose the reality behind the words and get cynical at the overuse of jargon and phrases which are attached to the myriad of Christian subcultures. The problem is then that it's all too easy to get cynical with God. I'm happy to be cynical at stupid subcultures. I hate it when that leads me to get cynical about the reality of the living and true God.

I'm not sure where this thought is going, other than I like it when I remember the reality behind the language and I like it when I enjoy God and can tell Him that without it sounding empty and hollow. I'm most scared when I just talk a good talk and nothing is going on inside. I guess this is just a plea for being real with God and each other, and using different language as much as possible to jolt each other back into the depths of what this life is all about.

2006-10-07T21:30:00.000+01:00

My parents took this in Guernsey. Good eh.

Well well.

2006-10-07T21:00:00.000+01:00

So, today has been, lets say, an interesting day. It started off so well (name that tune) in a blue sky, sun shining, sit and talk to God in bed, sit on the back step and eat breakfast in the sunshine kind of day. I trundled up to Gatwick in my car, abandoned it in the car park with instructions to play nicely with the other cars and headed up to London on the train. (there was a good reason for the crazy mad parking in Gatwick but it's too long to bore you with right now). London in the sunshine is pretty, the walk up to Covent Garden from waterloo full of panoramic views over the city and interesting back streets. An idyllic day, especially given the fine company I was heading towards, the aforementioned Sarah and Anna, my Relay buddies from back in the day, people who know me inside out and still love me.

We met, hugged and went off to Cafe Nero, upon which my day started taking a slightly annoying turn for the worse. I sat, I drank tea, I put my bag on the floor, I chatted, I looked down and was surprised to see not the bag but the floor. Ah. Yes, someone had nicked my bag. Large bloomers. In fact, if you have time, several large bloomers. So frustrating, and an event which left me feeling slightly stupid for not having hugged my bag close to my chest for the duration of our coffee time. Cards have been cancelled and a new shiny phone is on it's way to me at somepoint next week, I haven't lost all that much apart from a diary and lots of handy business cards in my wallet, a wallet which had about 50p in it. (poor criminal not much to steal there..) I'm still alive and well and, apart from a slight weird feeling of emptiness and a desire to look at a non existent phone, I'm OK.

There are several things to note from today.
1. If you ever are in a situation where your bag gets nicked, make sure you are with Anna and Sarah, I can't think of two better people to be with in such circumstances. Anna whirled into efficient 'journalist talking to police' mode and provided many good hugs, Sarah was on hand with her mobile and card canceling details. They both came to the police station with me and were generally lovely.

2. Sarah deserves a special mention for her ridiculous generosity and grace (which reminded me LOTS of Gods ridiculous grace and generosity). She took me out shopping, bought me a new bag, notebook, replacement novel and wallet. She put money in my pocket and took me back to hers, she then drove me to my parents house in Guildford (in her uber nice Honda S2000) and found time to encourage me, know me well and make me feel loved. Wow. My reaction to grace in everyday life is similar to how I react to God, reluctant at first but then increasingly gobsmacked and grateful for such good friends.

3. When you have no bag to carry, no money on you and no phone, you feel light and slightly like you've escaped from prison or a mental institute. I've realised how much my brain clicks in every few minutes telling me to look at my phone or bag, without them actually being there it got a bit confused.

4. My parents are also lovely. I got to hug my Mum lots and then Dad drove me home to get car keys and then up to Gatwick to pick up my car, and then paid for me to get out of Gatwick. Again the feeling of being let out of prison. I had loads of quality chats with Dad in the car and am grateful for that time.

5. Despite having my bag nicked at the beginning of the day I've experienced a ridiculous amount of giving and generosity today leaving me with the suspicion that, somewhat perversely, I may have gained more than I've lost today.